Searching for the perfect love match

Falling in love is not accidental. Finding the perfect partner is a matter of choice, based on certain criteria.

Falling in love is not accidental. Selection of a partner is made unconsciously and is based on childhood memories and feelings one had about his parents or other people who took care of him then. It is also affected by positive or negative experiences of romantic relationships he has been in. This explains why there is no specific model of the perfect partner, since it is determined according to personal needs.

Standards for a successful and long lasting love affair are not confined to sexual attraction. The abilities to communicate, trust, respect and take compassion on somebody are essential to achieve it. This kind of relationships offers both partners feelings of security and bliss, similar to those they experienced in their mother’s hug.

Choosing the perfect partner is a not an easy task. There are certain criteria that need to be met in order to make the right choice.

Define personal needs

One needs to find out what qualities he is seeking from a person. He may point out the most important features and pay less attention to the rest. He should examine all aspects of a personality, except from physical appearance, like career prospects, social status, values and beliefs.

Examine past relationships

A person needs to try to pin-point the reasons why a previous relationship failed. He should remember the mistakes he made and why they happened. It is also important to spot the exact time when things started changing from harmony to anger and fighting.

Find out personal characteristics and values

One can make a list of his own positive and negative points so as to attain a higher level of self-knowledge. His own personality is what determines his future choices. It is common to search for people who share the same positive features or are complementary to him.

Take time

There is no perfect time or a specific age for finding the ideal partner. Sometimes a person’s urgent need for companionships or his fear of being lonely may result in making a wrong choice. This may cause problems, since their intimacy won’t last long or their possible disputes will end in anger and tension.

Trust the choice made

Sometimes people are affected by the opinion of others, especially by friends and family members. Moreover, the society itself imposes models of ideal love affairs or types of relating to each other. It is essential to learn to let oneself go off these expectations. Once one has made a selection, based on his own personality, desires and system of beliefs, he should trust it and hold his ground.

8 Tips to control your anger

Anger is an emotional reaction. Anger management is not about avoiding this reaction, but about finding ways to express it in an appropriate way.

Anger is an emotional reaction when someone feels he is in danger, threatened or hard done by somebody. It should not be identified with aggression since it is a feeling, while aggression is a behavior. Aggressive behaviors may occur if a person responds instinctively, gains satisfaction out of hurting others or is suffering from a medical condition and it is one of its symptoms. Moreover, anger may be suppressed, which usually results in high levels of stress.

The aim of anger management is to learn how to express this feeling efficiently, so as not to end in aggressive or passive aggressive behaviors. There are some tips to help people who wish to control it.

Manage your stress

High levels of stress may lead up to anger or aggression. To avoid it, one should change the conditions in his life that cause anguish. Such a condition could be his job or his romantic relationship. Time management may also help so as to put his obligations on a scale and save time for relaxation or pleasant activities. Adequate sleep and healthy nutrition are quite helpful, as well as emotional support. Except from organising his everyday programme one should try to alter the dysfunctional thoughts that may result in stress. These could be negative assumptions, over-generalization of traumatic events or oversight of positive points.

Understand other people

Understanding is about the ability to listen to others carefully, without being judgemental. It means to try to interprete their words according to their point of view, not to the personal one.

Respond, not react

If a person reacts instinctively to an external stimulus he may be aggressive or offensive. He doesn’t have control of his action and he usually regrets it. Self-awareness and self-control, as well as a boost to self-esteem may help in being capable of thinking carefully and responding, instead of reacting.

Stop self-blame

People with low self-esteem tend to blame themselves for their failures or problems. They judge themselves strictly and unfairly, which may lead to anger due to their supposed inability.

Communicate directly

It is about being assertive. Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s sentiments and needs directly, without offending others. It also means to avoid dropping hints or resorting to shifts. Some of the basic principles of direct communication are respect to the interlocutor, peacefulness, justice and positive disposition.

Set realistic expectations

Anger is highly associated with unrealistic expectations of oneself. It is common to people who are obsessed with high standards. In this case, there may be a dissonance between one’s desires and reality, which ends in frustration.

Forgive, not forget

Traumatic events may make people suffer, experience anger and be let-down. To release these feelings one should accept or forgive people and occassions that hurt him. At the same time, he may recognise his mistakes and try to set clear bounds to others in the future.

Retreat

When a person is in a mighty temper it is better to retreat and take some time to think better of the circumstances that irritated him. At the same time he needs to promise to himself to resolve the disagreement later on.

Η επιστροφή στο σχολείο

Το καλοκαίρι τελείωσε, επιστρέψαμε στο σπίτι και σε λίγες μέρες αρχίζουν τα σχολεία. Η ψυχολόγος Κρίστη Μηλιόρδου σου δείχνει την κατεύθυνση ώστε ο δρόμος από τις διακοπές στο θρανίο να είναι εύκολος...

 

Το τέλος του καλοκαιριού σηματοδοτεί και το τέλος μίας μεγάλης περιόδου χαλάρωσης τόσο για τα παιδιά όσο και για τους γονείς. Σταδιακά καλούνται να αλλάξουν και πάλι την καθημερινότητά τους και να προετοιμαστούν για την επάνοδό τους στο σχολείο. Το δομημένο σχολικό πρόγραμμα έρχεται να αντικαταστήσει την έως τώρα ανέμελη καθημερινότητα του καλοκαιριού. Η επιστροφή στο σχολείο είναι μία από τις μεγαλύτερες μεταβάσεις κατά τη διάρκεια του έτους. Για κάποια παιδιά αποτελεί μία πολύ ευχάριστη στιγμή ενώ για κάποια άλλα η προσαρμογή είναι δύσκολη.

 

Πώς αισθάνονται τα παιδιά για την επιστροφή στο σχολείο;

Η επάνοδος των παιδιών στο σχολείο μπορεί να τους δημιουργήσει ανάμεικτα συναισθήματα. Από τη μία πλευρά θα δείχνουν ενθουσιασμένα που θα έρθουν και πάλι σε επαφή με τους φίλους τους. Επίσης, είναι βέβαιο ότι θα ευχαριστηθούν πολύ με την αγορά των νέων χαρτικών, βιβλίων και ενδυμάτων που θα καλύψουν τις ανάγκες της νέας σχολικής χρονιάς.

Ωστόσο, είναι πολύ πιθανόν να αισθανθούν άγχος και πίεση για τη φετινή τους πορεία στην τάξη ή να νιώσουν στεναχωρημένα και αναστατωμένα που διακόπτονται οι διακοπές τους. Πολλά παιδιά μάλιστα πιέζονται ώστε οι αποδόσεις τους να είναι αυτές που αναμένουν οι γονείς, οι δάσκαλοι ή άλλα μέλη του περιβάλλοντός τους.

Επιπρόσθετα, οι μαθητές μεγαλύτερων τάξεων και ιδιαιτέρως εκείνοι που πρόκειται να εξεταστούν πανελλαδικά στο τέλος της χρονιάς που έρχεται, ανησυχούν τόσο για το φόρτο εργασίας όσο και για το πώς πρέπει να μοιράσουν το χρόνο τους μεταξύ σχολείου, μελέτης και εξωσχολικών δραστηριοτήτων.

Τα παιδιά όλων των ηλικιών έχουν βιώσει διαφορετικές εμπειρίες στο σχολείο τις οποίες οι γονείς οφείλουν να λάβουν σοβαρά υπόψη. Για παράδειγμα αν κάποιο παιδί έχει δεχθεί απειλή από κάποιο συμμαθητή ή έχει αντιμετωπίσει κάποιες δυσκολίες στην επικοινωνία με το δάσκαλο ή τη δασκάλα του τότε η ανησυχία για την επαναφορά στο σχολείο θα είναι μεγαλύτερη.

 

Πώς μπορούν οι γονείς να κάνουν ευκολότερη τη μετάβαση στο σχολείο;

Είτε τα παιδιά αισθάνονται ενθουσιασμένα για την επιστροφή στο σχολείο είτε όχι, οι γονείς μπορούν να κάνουν τη μετάβαση τους από το καλοκαίρι στο φθινόπωρο ευκολότερη επαναφέροντάς τα σταδιακά στο νέο πρόγραμμα.

Μία ή δύο εβδομάδες πριν (αναλογικά πάντα με την ηλικία του παιδιού) ξεκινήστε την επαναφορά στη σχολική καθημερινότητα. Αυτό θα βοηθήσει τα παιδιά να έχουν μία σταδιακή προσαρμογή στους ρυθμούς του σχολείου.

 

Ώρες ύπνου...

Κατά τη διάρκεια του καλοκαιριού, οι γονείς και τα παιδιά είναι πιο χαλαροί όσον αφορά στην τήρηση του ωραρίου ύπνου. Συχνά μάλιστα το ξυπνητήρι εγκαταλείπεται και τα παιδιά συνηθίζουν να κοιμούνται και να ξυπνούν όποια ώρα θελήσουν. Εάν η ώρα που κοιμάται το παιδί έχει παρασυρθεί αρκετά πιο αργά είναι ωφέλιμο μία έως δύο εβδομάδες πριν από την πρώτη ημέρα του σχολείου, να προσαρμόσετε το πρόγραμμα του παιδιού σας για να ταιριάζει με την εποχή που αυτός ή αυτή θα πρέπει να ξυπνήσει και να πάει για ύπνο κατά τη διάρκεια του σχολικού έτους.

 

Προετοιμασία σχολικών ειδών!

Μία ευχάριστη διαδικασία για τα παιδιά είναι η έξοδος για την αγορά των νέων σχολικών ειδών που θα χρειαστούν για τη νέα χρονιά. Ένα καινούριο σχολικό σακίδιο, πολύχρωμα τετράδια και στυλό ή ακόμα και μία μοντέρνα μολυβοθήκη θα είναι το κίνητρο για να περιμένουν την πρώτη μέρα του σχολείου με αγωνία και καλή διάθεση.

Επίσης, η αγορά νέων ρούχων για το σχολείο θα είναι μία νότα ευχαρίστησης που θα τα εξοικειώσει γρήγορα με τη νέα καθημερινότητα. Μπορείτε να συνδυάσετε τις νέες αγορές με μία βόλτα για φαγητό (προτιμήστε το αγαπημένο τους) κατά την οποία θα αποχαιρετίσετε όλοι μαζί το καλοκαίρι και θα μιλήσετε για τη νέα σχολική χρονιά.

 

Διαβάστε μαζί βιβλία

Επισκεφτείτε μαζί την τοπική βιβλιοθήκη και βρείτε χρόνο να διαβάσετε μαζί κάποια από τις σειρές βιβλίων που κυκλοφορούν δίνοντας του την επιλογή να διαλέξει το θέμα ανάλογα με τα ενδιαφέροντα και την ηλικία του. Είναι ένας ευχάριστος και δημιουργικός τρόπος για να προετοιμαστεί για τις προκλήσεις κατά την επιστροφή του στο σχολείο.

 

Νέα εξωσχολική δραστηριότητα...

Ταυτόχρονα με τη νέα σχολική χρονιά δώστε στο παιδί σας την ευκαιρία να επιλέξει μία εξωσχολική δραστηριότητα. Η ζωγραφική, το ποδόσφαιρο, το μπαλέτο ή η κολύμβηση θα βοηθήσουν σημαντικά τόσο στη σωματική υγεία του παιδιού σας όσο και στην κοινωνικοποίησή του, αφού θα έρχεται καθημερινά σε επαφή με κόσμο κάνοντας ταυτόχρονα κάτι που του αρέσει και προσφέροντας σε εσάς λίγες ώρες χαλάρωσης κατά τη διάρκεια της ημέρας.

 

Συζητήστε με το παιδί για τη νέα χρονιά!

Μιλήστε με το παιδί σας σχετικά με το επερχόμενο σχολικό έτος. Μία τέτοια συνομιλία θα διευκολύνει την οποιαδήποτε ανησυχία του καθώς θα του προσφέρετε τη δυνατότητα να σας μιλήσει για τα συναισθήματά του, τους πιθανούς φόβους του και τις ανησυχίες που μπορεί να έχει. Εξερευνήστε μαζί τι θα του φανεί διασκεδαστικό, τι πιστεύει ότι θα μάθει φέτος και αν υπάρχει κάποιος στόχος που θέλει να θέσει.

Roles in romantic relationships - The child, adult and parent

People play three roles in their romantic relationships, the parent, the adult and the child. These determine the way they interact with each other.

Everyday people relate to each other in multiple ways. They relate to their family, friends, partner, colleagues at work or even strangers. The way they connect to each other is called transaction. This includes not only the explicit behavior, but also the non-verbal communication that occurs between two people.

Eric Berne, a psychiatrist, claimed that there are three possible roles (also known as ego states) that a person plays in their transactions with other people. These are determined by childhood experiences, family life and environmental stimuli. These roles are the parental role, the adult role and the child role.

The Parent Role

The parent represents parental figures, the way he has experienced them in childhood. He is a dominant figure, who makes decisions not only for himself, but also for his partner. He tends to control his partner by means of criticizing him for his behaviour and giving him directions for proper acting. This tendency is often expressed as a willingness to protect, not as manipulative behaviour.

The Adult Role

The adult is supposed to be the ideal state. He is objective, does not get carried away by external stimuli and has found the proper way to match the rules he has adopted with his sentiments. He is independent, has formed his own opinion and has found ways to support it, if necessary.

The Child Role

The child represents childhood memories, not as actual events but as the feelings they had evoked to it. The child is led by sentiments. It is dependent and in constant need of somebody else. It usually is obedient and tries to conform to other people’s needs.

How Couples Relate

There are two types of transactions: the complementary transaction and the crossed transaction. The first type occurs when both partners address the ego state the other is in. If both partners are Adults then the relationship is harmonious.

Another example of a functional relationship (though not an ideal one) is that of parent and child. The parent is in the power position and the child obeys to his will, due to his reliance on the parent. Still, this type of interaction can lead to abusive behaviour or martyrdom. The "child" may regret this attitude of dependency, either because of guilt for having abandoned his or her own desires, or due to disappointment of the unfairness between them.

The crossed type of transaction leads to conflict. If a partner is an adult and knows how to express his opinion openly and frankly, he cannot be understood by an individual who is assuming the child's role, as the child responds with emotion. Moreover, an individual in the adult role cannot be manipulated by a parent, since he is self-sufficient.

Knowing the roles that people assume in a relationship is very important for understanding the criteria for choosing a partner, possible reasons for maintaining a dysfunctional relationship and ways to help people adopt the adult’s role, which is the ideal ego state.

How to achieve personal goals

Goal achievement depends on the way they are set. They should meet certain requirements. They need to be positive, realistic, measurable and detailed.

The term goal refers to the desired effects a person anticipates as a result of the efforts he has made. People tend to set goals when they recognise the need for change in their lives. Realising that is the first step for aim establishment, while the second is believing in their power to change. Moreover, an important benefit of this process is that they learn to focus on future improvement, rather than present problems.

Setting goals is not an easy task. There are some requirements that need to be met in order to be effective and end in success. This should be taken into consideration at the beginning of the procedure.

Goals should be positive

Phrases like “I will not…” or “I shall try not to…” are not appropiate when describing a goal. All phrases need to positive, without having the word “not”, so as to offer an optimistic view of the outcome. Furthermore, positive phrases enhance feelings of self-esteem.

Goals should be measurable and detailed.

An objective needs to be definite, not vague or generalised. The person should find what exactly he desires to change so as to be able to measure his progress. This is feasible by means of dividing a goal into smaller ones and giving priopities. Level of difficulty is a good mark for categorising them into immediate or not. Moreover, goals refer to behavioral changes, not emotional ones.

Goals should refer to changes to self, not to others

A person may expect to make changes to himself not to his family, friends or colleagues at work, because in this case they are the ones who determine their behavior, not he. Aims need to refer to him so as to be under his control. Instead of trying to alter his environment, he should find ways to modify his relation to it. In addition, attainment of the goal should rely merely on him, not to other people’s desires.

Goals should be realistic

Success of a goal depends mainly on its realistic base. If it regards conditions that cannot be altered, then failure is certain. On this occasion the person may experience feelings of worthlessness and frustration, which become a burden of any future attempt.

Apart from the difficult part of setting goals, it is also important to know how to monitor progress. Feedback is appropriate for everybody who wishes to persevere in his efforts. When an objective is achieved self-reward is essential, so as to raise self-esteem and feelings of capacity. On the other hand, when difficulties occur, one should find out what opposes accomplisment of the aims and modify it.